Learning to ‘write’ again

When I began actively blogging a short time ago, my full intentions were to focus on the hobbies I enjoy and the projects that come with those hobbies. And as I began to read other blogs, in an attempt to learn how to blog ‘properly’, I learned that blogs are more than just a place to share the things which bring you joy – hobbies, children, pets, etc. But blogs are also places for people to spew forth their thoughts and innermost feelings, however anonymously they so choose. And as I begin to write about my little inconsequence in the world, something else deeper seems to be taking over. I liken it to the Journal Assignment in my high school English class with Mr. Friedman, which also happens to be one of the few enjoyable things I remember about high school.

Once a week, the students handed in their journals, with a minimum amount to be written, for Mr. Friedman to read. He would peruse through them and hand them back; sometimes with comments or just a grade at the top of the entry. If you turned in the journal with the required amount written, you earned an ‘A’ – even if you just copied pages from another book into your journal. The purpose of the journaling was to encourage you to think, write about it, and then someday look back on those journals and learn something new about your life.  I have no idea where my personal journals are now, but I do know they made an impact upon my life. I poured my heart out into those writings – sharing things I had not dared tell another living soul. Those journals helped through some tough personal struggles, not by the comments and feedback Mr. Friedman gave, but because I opened up to those journals and did not keep my emotions or turmoil bottled up inside.

Since high school, I have kept journals only in times of personal struggle or when perhaps I wanted to close out the world. Blogging is quickly becoming my 21st century journal. I have been struggling with some recently received family news and I have been unable (or unwilling?) to process it. I have mulled it over and over in my head, but have moved no where with it. I’m sure writing it down will help, but I am unsure how or where to start. It involves my brother and his news of stage 4 colon cancer. I know that once I actually start writing about it, the entry will, like the others, flow forth uncontrollably. I have already lost sleep over the situation, with last night being the worst so far, because it involves two of the subjects which have caused me the most amount of grief.